Feeling some kind of way…
Streamed live on Oct 19, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyEl-MDENJw

oops
hey ash welcome I'm doing pretty good a
little bit on the tired side this
afternoon I don't know why but I am I'm
not sad I'm just you know I don't know
it just been one of those days where I'm
just like I don't know I don't know how
to describe it but it just is one of
those days I'm not sad I'm just I think
I'm just like I don't know I think I'm
emotionally drained but how are you
doing and how are all of the people
coming then doing happy Saturday
hey Linda welcome welcome come on in
make love to your hubby oh Lord
no no no he's at work anyways oh god oh
god what have you guys been up to
I know you are what are you guys up to
what is the weather like where you guys
live here it's been gloomy and nasty
that could be part of it too hi Rhonda
welcome and good evening to you as well
happy Saturday I hope you're having a
wonderful part of your weekend yeah
Linda I hear you I know I just was
sitting there thinking to myself I got
two hours and I got to start doing
housework it's nice weather in
California just finished dinner chicken
with green pepper stir fry YUM ooh that
sounds so good hot and Corpus you've
been to California me yeah I've been to
California but I've only been to like
San Diego
I'm trying to think San Diego San
Francisco la ma well no where is
Disneyland at wherever Disneyland is
that's where I've been and I've been to
San Francisco girl you've been to San
Diego make sure you and Ollie visit me
oh is that where you're from I just got
through telling Ollie to the other night
I was like I wanted to because there was
a thing that came on a TV like a
commercial for Disneyland and I was like
I want to go what's so bad because he's
never been and none of the kids have
gone so I told him I was like I want to
take you guys he looked at me he's like
I want to take our kids and I'm like no
I want to take you guys cuz you've never
been either so yeah I would love to go
to Disneyland um you know I've had a lot
of people sorry I'm trying to turn my
light away from my face uh I've had a
lot of people go to Walt Disney World
and honestly they say it's pretty much
the same it's just a lot bigger but it's
the same as Disneyland just the lines
are even more bigger and like longer and
stuff like that which we always got fast
past when we would go so it really
didn't have much okay um we didn't have
as much line waited waiting that we that
most people did because we paid for the
Fast Pass so yeah come on come on I see
a couple of you guys here say hello give
me a thumbs up do something I know it's
kind of an odd time that I went live I
knew I knew yes Linda welcome
where is corpus I'd like what state is
that in is that in um is that close to
Nevada or am i off I'm probably way off
I'm sure excuse the kids their plane Oh
in Texas well I was way off okay no I
don't know my states very well okay in
fact what were they were talking the
other day oh I was talking about where
somebody's from and I kept saying
Brooklyn but I was saying as if it was a
state and all he couldn't understand
what I was trying to say and he's like
what are you talking I'm like Brooklyn
and he was like Amy that's making no
sense
Brooklyn is not a state and he's like
it's a city but it's not a state oh my
god we fought about it and come to find
out he was right yeah geography was just
not my thing huh I'm trying to get my
lighting it's like off big-time
I have my computer on so it could be
just coming off of that
so I hope you guys are enjoying the
videos that I've been putting up I know
today was kind of a bombard day of
videos I tried to break it up as best as
I cook sigh didn't want to overwhelm
people with my videos because clearly I
mean the one video with the intuitive
eating was gonna be 40 minutes long and
so I broke it up but then I meant to
separate it in enough amount of hours
that would be like okay you know um I'm
gonna put play on my camera or on my
computer I'm gonna see something what
are we doing hold on
okay no I was pulling up my my messages
on the computer so I can see him sooner
than I would have to that I would see
them on the phone but I don't know if
it's gonna work or not
so we'll see um I have to catch up not
been on for a few days no sound oh yeah
yeah I muted it really quick cuz there
was a ad plane I didn't set this to add
so I didn't I didn't know I mean I
didn't monetize it so I didn't know that
it plays an ad before and I didn't even
push but I still learn new things about
YouTube every single day like there's
things that I still don't know about it
that I'm still learning so like that I
had no idea when I went to go and get on
I'm like why is there an ad here I
didn't place an ad yet so go figure
um but yeah I'm just hoping that people
are you know enjoying what I'm putting
up hi Amy hi in your hold on in your
purse video you mentioned appraisal
twice with the leather swatch what were
you referring to when you said appraisal
okay so and I've seen your message I
think I approved it but I haven't had a
chance to go back and answer the
messages that I approved so it kind of
looks like I approved him and then just
ignored him that was not my that wasn't
what I was trying to do so I don't know
exactly what that's supposed to mean
other than if you were to go in and try
and sell the purse you could go in with
the perch about the person buying the
purse to like a store and they can
appraise the leather at what it would be
worth so that you're not selling
yourself short but they're not
overcharging
hey Shannon welcome is it Shanna or
Shawna so I believe that that is what
that's supposed to mean however I don't
know a hundred percent
I can definitely Shawna okay welcome hey
Linda
welcome welcome so I don't know if
that's what it's supposed to mean
so um I mean I could definitely email
the company be like hey what is this
supposed to mean I just was reading what
was on the little card so I don't
personally know cuz I mean I never go
and do that okay then go ahead and get
some up don't change your pants in here
get some panties and then you're gonna
have to go out and put them on
yeah I don't want you to get pee on your
shirt or your pants typical
three-year-old I know I said you got to
change your clothes outside there that's
right I'm I'm filming I need you to take
your stuff out okay take your fresh
panties over out there shut Mama's door
cuz I'm filming and I can't have you on
the camera like that thank you sweetie
hey hundred to live fat girl's journey
welcome welcome welcome come on in I
hope you guys are all having a wonderful
weekend that started I just got off of
my yes my kiddos they're not they're
plain but I don't know what she did she
she is a nut because if she gets
anything on her clothes it's like boom I
gotta change them I mean I've got look
at this this is just a day's worth of
laundry you guys a day's worth of
laundry all that is laundry that I have
to put away and that's because I do
laundry daily because of her um
[Music]
yeah me neither I guess it was a
designer bag it would be important
that's why I was a
and I don't yeah exactly and I've never
personally heard of that company before
until they you know contacted me and I
was like well sure yeah you know um I'm
not gonna turn down a person come on
looks like my bed all towels oh yeah
yeah I what I do is I do all the laundry
and I just as I get it out of the dryer
I just throw it onto my bed and then at
nighttime right before bed I'll sit and
fold it all and put it all the way you
know mom duties so that's what I'm
planning to do tonight but I just had
gotten off of my comment section high
bless this crazy mess welcome sweetie
welcome welcome
um I just got off of my comment section
and I was just a little confused I think
I mean and maybe that's what kind of put
me in it a little bit of a funk because
you know I I'm getting mixed messages
with the intuitive eating portion of
what I was going to do because I thought
people were gonna really catch on and
enjoy it I mean it's not for everybody
and I totally understand that but I mean
literally I got like two thumbs up and
like 30 thumbs down I got really no
comments about it I did go in and review
my comment section and posted them up
and honestly I just also want to make it
clear to is that I um I right now I've
had to keep my comment section
posted to review status because I really
don't want the messages to come off
harsh towards you guys and so to protect
you guys I have put the comments to
review and plus I have one person that
I've been trying to avoid commenting on
my videos right now
and the only way I could do that is
putting on review so I can just not even
read their comment don't have to deal
with it but then with that people feel
like I am you know like rejecting their
messages and I'm not doing that at all
so I'm just kind of like gonna catch 22
because I feel like one me holding the
comments for reviewing is making people
upset because they don't feel like they
have the liberty to comment and I I
completely understand that so I kind of
want your guys's feedback with that
because you know I have 22 people on and
with your guys's feedback maybe it will
kind of help me decide if I'm gonna keep
my comments still under review status or
just open my comment status back up and
let it be what its gonna be and you know
hope for the best and weed out comments
as they come in I can't promise that
always sometimes it's hard to get on and
you know check comments right away as
much as I want to sometimes I just can't
so what that being said I just want to
make sure that everybody is feeling like
they're being able to be heard I'm
totally open to people's opinions I'm
totally open to you know suggestions and
criticism too but what I'm not okay with
is people being really rude you know and
being downright disrespectful to myself
or to you know my subs out there that
don't deserve that I will have to watch
it I saw it there but haven't had a
chance to watch I think it is
interesting concept I think whatever
makes you feel most comfortable with a
comment section Thank You Sean I
appreciate that yeah the last couple
days I've been kind of going through a
lot emotionally I've just I'm really
tired and so I'm just trying to
I guess I'm just trying to protect
myself emotionally along with protecting
all of my like I said subs out there
that don't deserve to have harsh
comments being said to them you know or
for them to be being attacked because
they're being you know positive or
supporting me I get a lot of people like
oh my gosh I'm totally getting attacked
because I said something nice to you and
I don't want that you know and so why
this thing is taking so much time to
upload so yeah I just kind of like
wanted to fill that part in I'm gonna go
to my videos and see if I could pull it
up this way but the problem with that is
if I hadn't proved a message I wouldn't
see it on this part we'll see but yeah I
just I just want to do what's best for
everybody that's involved you know I've
had to really build back from the bottom
floor up when it comes to trying to
build Oh what is it called that I'm
trying to build trust and totally trying
to build a positive out outlet hi Myra
welcome hey I totally get your situation
but I would be careful sometimes not
allowing comments will make people be
elsewhere to talk crap about you exactly
exactly
plus it's crazy mess the pattern on your
pants is sugar skulls I think you said
you weren't sure thank you and I seen
that comment
[Music]
okay
I think it's cuz he was trying to do
something in the sink oh okay that's
okay um yes I seen that comment I was
like oh my gosh
oh my gosh yes it's sugar skulls uh it
was I I love those pants in fact I have
him said Hina right here I just I love
the colors altogether they're there so I
can get it without dropping everything I
love him and I think I could wear him
even outside of other months I don't
think it has to be just October but it
makes it even a bigger thing which is
stupid but it happens unfortunately
sorry you have to go through that
exactly Mayra na you know I know it
began with my fault totally you know I
think coming on here and being too open
I think kind of damaged it damaged my
nan my channel because I don't believe
that my channel was ever damaged but I
think that it damaged people's taste of
me and that they just don't know care
for me which I don't know what more I
can do to prove myself and to say hey
I'm not the person that you think that I
am or that you've thought that I was or
that I felt I was portraying to be um
you know and I don't know if it will
ever stop you know I know that every
youtuber has their hate gein gein game I
think it's called hate gained that is
against them and you're never I mean as
you get
bigger I know you cannot excite escape
it
but I am such a people pleaser and I
always want to make everybody so happy
that it breaks my heart to see that
people don't like me because I just want
everybody to like me because I like
everybody and I even like people that
are rude to me I still find it in my
heart to still care for them
hey latina welcome you made me want a
burger
ah why don't why oh because that video
no you have to live in your truth anyone
who doesn't like it is their problem I
know I know and I think that that's what
I'm struggling with right now the most
is that I know the truth and I know what
I stand for but I I just don't feel like
people see it the way that I see it you
know I don't know if I'm making sense
hey chef you welcome
hello perfect curve no perfect C curves
did I say that right perfect C curves
you're cool Amy just want to say you're
oh shoot your message cut off say your
sub-theme I can see the last part of
that it cut off so yeah it's just been
the last couple of days has been pretty
and I haven't been like the
hundred-percent best I wish I could say
I was doing a lot better I see you and
yes you said it right oh good but yeah I
just you know I I really wish that there
was a way that I could build my trust
back up with everybody to feel that I
would never want to take anybody for
granted I would never want someone to
feel like I would be lying to them or
trying to sell them a story that's not
true
you know I just want people to see me
for the person I truly truly am and I
know that some people just can never do
that they're just their ability is not
that and I understand that but then it
makes me start questioning myself you
know am I really this person that people
call me am I really you know a
scandalous person you know am i and I
know I'm not but it makes me question
myself like if these many people are
saying that this is what's wrong with me
is it really true or these things really
you know and so I get in my feelings and
I start playing stories in my mind of
how about if a person I am and then I go
to like my comment section and it's
filled with tons of thumbs down over a
thumbs up and you know and I hide those
things because it's like I don't want
that to be what makes my channel if that
makes sense
um go out for a walk you'll feel better
I think you're great thank you so much
perfect and do you walk your skunk um no
I don't walk Sebastian right now outside
one because the weather is really nasty
and he's just now at the point where
latina I don't know why your messages
are being cut off like I'm literally
getting like when I get thumbs down I
count it as and I can't see the rest
your message so I don't know what is
what it's doing um but he just now got
to be where he can actually be safe out
in like public with himself because he
wasn't fully vaccinated so he could have
caught like parvo and things like that
so the vet was really concerned about
that so I chose to keep him inside so I
haven't started walking him because it's
it's wintertime and winter time is when
I guess it's called it's not a deep
hibernation but it kind of is
they sleep basically 19 hours a day and
will come out for maybe 3 or 4 hours if
that eat and go right back to sleep like
he literally has he came out at 7
o'clock this morning for like 15 minutes
you went to the bathroom he ate some
food drink some water and then he went
back in and we're going on 4:30 here and
I haven't seen him yet he has not come
out not once yet so and he probably
won't come out until probably about 6:00
he'll come out he'll eat and then he'll
come back in the room sleep until about
11:00 and then he'll come out for a
couple hours he's really it's just like
that's just part of their instinct as
they sleep a lot during one hour time
and that's why a lot of people are like
oh he's overweight he's overweight no
it's actually it that's really how it's
supposed to be they put on extra weight
during the summer year out summer months
because during winter they don't eat as
much because they're sleeping
so they kind of fill themselves up and
then they'll start losing their weight
sorry I'm missing people's comments let
me go back up perfect says I just love
the ones that see you for who you are I
used to be a pleaser but after 20 plus
years of great therapy I know who to
please and who to kick to the curve
absolutely I agree with you 100% change
the perception Amy I agree with you I
see all of her comments thank you bless
chef says Amy at this point whoever
doesn't trust or still hold something
against you that is on them some people
live to bring others down and you need
to thin the herd of those people
absolutely I agree with you
hame easy welcome don't listen to those
ignorant people they just need a life
sounds like me eat and rest but but I
will say I have been walking but what
I've been doing because it's really been
nasty outside and I don't want to take
the babies outside um it's just way too
nasty here right now
and so what I've been doing is we have
which I'm sure most of you guys have
seen the outlaying of my house we have
that
long hallway that goes from the living
room all the way to the back of my
hallway towards the bedrooms so it's a
fairly nice long exercise hall and I
walk that thing back and forth back and
forth back and forth I mean constantly
all day I'll walk and then I'll say you
know when my back starts to hurt I'll
stop and I'll rest for a little bit and
I'll get back up and I'll walk some more
so I will say I have been feeling like
my back is actually getting a little bit
stronger because it's me getting up and
starting to move but I will say - this
thing has been my absolute lifesaver
honest to god I I don't know how I lived
without that thing nice nail polish
Noble which I'm holding up in but no no
bulge I know it's easier said than done
but you have to do against them as
living as if you don't exist
exactly and I know I know I know
it's just been hard I you know I'm going
through right now and I'm trying to be
careful with what I say a hundred
percent because I have to be kind of
careful with what I'm sharing but um I
had to start I had to go through some
really hard things this last couple of
days and I haven't really talked about
it I pretty much held it in because I
had to I couldn't let my kids see me you
know upset or hurting but
I'll just say that the last couple of
days I've had to really learn some
things about myself that I am stronger
than I thought that I was but still I
feel very very weak I'm turning off that
light because it was reflecting my
glasses I was hurting um let's see start
walking and moving on up girl I guess I
am seeing days I thought you had pink
nail polish oh no I would love to be in
deep though I know me too
yep start blogging especially the one
person you were talking about wanting to
avoid them commenting on your videos and
you know and that right there is the the
whole reason is I had to let go of
somebody in my life that was really dear
to me not well let me I had to let go of
a relationship hold on just a minute let
me go see what's going on with us our
really quick
sorry I have one child trying to give
her kid her kid her baby doll a bath in
the sink
um I think you're a sweet person I do
generally I just don't agree with some
things you say but only because I have
been there and no the other side.now
furniture could you explain would you be
willing to explain what the other side
is that you know now I'd really
appreciate it because I would like to
know am I the only one in the Halloween
mood and waiting for like it goes to
walk uh uh thing oh yeah furniture I
would absolutely love to know what you
mean by that comment um I thought you
were true supportive of mine supporter
you always seem to talk good things to
me so I'm just kind of curious just
being healthier and knowing how eating
bad messed with my emotional and mental
state okay hold on I think you're a
sweet person I do generally I just don't
agree with some things you say but only
because I have been there
and know the other side now oh oh oh I
thought you meant like you knew another
side of something that I didn't know
okay I get it and you know I think a lot
of that comes from the fact that you
know we're all in a learning environment
we're always learning different
techniques we're always learning new
things when it comes to getting healthy
or losing weight or whatever it might be
and you know honestly I would have to
say the last couple of days would have
been days that I would have normally and
I mean I would have benched to the point
of making myself so sick because i
emotionally have gone through so much
the last few days but instead I didn't
allow myself that
I told myself to get up do something I
know this sounds really weird but I have
a bunch of bubble wrap from like crafts
and stuff and I've been popping the
bubble wrap and kind of like somebody
that stops smoking they chew gum to kind
of preoccupy their mouth mouth if I can
talk right it's kind of the same idea I
guess is I've been keeping my hands busy
popping my bubbles and that has helped
me keep my mind off of wanting to go and
indulge in food and it has also helped
me to preoccupy my emotions so that I
don't go too far over the you know the
emotional side because it's been hard
you know the last few days it's been
tough I've gone through more than I've
wanted to go through no left allowed me
personally it's just I have that life
experience but everyone does have to
learn on their own and want it once you
do it it just clicks absolutely and I
agree with you 100% 100% on that I do
agree with you and that's why today even
I was sitting there and I was like I was
watching some somebody online one of
somebody on life and I was like thinking
to myself how I wish I could just be
that person for even just a day to feel
like normal and what it would feel like
to have to go and buy all new clothes
because I didn't fit in my clothes
anymore and you know I'd have to you
know learn to adjust you know to life
and stuff but then it's like I had to
stop and tell myself well you know I'm
not that person you know I am a me and I
will get to that point but I have to
continue to push forward and keep doing
what I've been going through and doing
to keep building myself up and you know
again going through what I've been going
through I
think what caused me to binge but I
haven't I haven't benched in fact I've
gotten up and I walk or I get up and I
do the dishes or I pop my bubbles or you
know whatever it is that I need to do to
get my mind off of fixating on the
things that I've been going on that
honestly has helped me and I would say
that I have conquered something in the
last couple of days because I haven't
benched as of I wanted to binge I did
not bench in fact Ollie made cake for
the kids and him when he was having his
days off and I had a little tiny like a
little slice and that was it
I didn't have any more I didn't have any
the following day I was just like no I
it's not that I don't need it but I
really don't want it so I'm not just
gonna eat it because it's there and
that's my mentality that's how I think
is oh well the cakes there so I'll eat
it or you know everybody's eating a
piece of cake so I'll eat it and what
I'm going through tough sad times a lot
of times I tend to want to just eat that
cake because it's there and it takes my
mind off of everything for a little bit
and then you know I go back to the hole
why did I do that I shouldn't have done
that and that's kind of where the
intuitive eating comes in and but I
haven't even had to go there because I
just didn't allow myself thank you
latina so much I appreciate it thank you
so much chef e yes please don't forget
to give me a little thumbs up if you
could I'd greatly appreciate it it would
help me feel better but you know when
I'm feeling really down like I kind of
am today I thought you know the best
outlet for me is to come and talk to my
friends you know and I love bouncing my
emotional thoughts with people because
their ideas and strategies maybe
something that would work for me you
know and so but this week you know
trying to fill you kind of in with this
week it's gonna make a video on it and I
thought no you know it's really not
worth it
I gave you a thumbs up on my way in
thank you perfect I appreciate it and
thank you to everybody that has given me
a thumbs up I appreciate it as well
but this week I've had two how would you
say it not closed off but I had to end a
very very very toxic relationship with
somebody that you would never think that
you would have to close a relationship
on and you know I hear people say don't
take life for granted because you'll
look back one day and wish that you had
spent time with you know so-and-so or
you would have made more memories or
took more pictures and Here I am
standing over my sink burning my
pictures and crying from the pit of my
stomach
you know because I am I am grieving the
loss of this relationship that I know I
have to let go and no longer try to make
this relationship work because it's just
not going to work and it's not gonna
work because it's not a healthy
situation for me or for them and it's
not a good relationship for my children
either family five each
welcome family five I didn't even see
you come in each day is different each
situation is different each situation is
different there's loss so in life and
then obstacles will achieve in time keep
doing what you're doing you're wonderful
thank you I appreciate that perfect
family members have been cut off it made
me better regrets thank you for that you
know I I am feeling
right now I have a heavy heart right now
I feel like am I making the right
decision I know I am I know I have to do
this I have to do this for my own mental
health I have to do this for my children
I have to do this for me to continue to
keep growing but it doesn't make it easy
and the words that have been said to me
over the last couple of days weren't
easy to hear um a lot a lot a lot of
verbal abuse but I guess when somebody
is guilty or somebody is hurting they
have to take the knife and shove it as
hard as they can to try and break the
person that they're angry with and it
definitely got me to a place that I have
not been at for a very long time and
when I say a very long time I'm talking
it's been years hold on just one more
minute you guys I'm so sorry
mr. saved the fish Maya he chose it he's
like mom
she's wasting the water I'm like well
help you know we'll fill it up and plug
it up he um was in his room playing his
game his ps4 and he could hear the water
running so he comes flying in here mom
she's wasting water okay son okay
anyways but I just have to oh I'm sorry
latina the thing is doing it again it's
cutting you off
um me see sweetie you're so strong oh
wait you are so much stronger than you
give yourself credit for just remember
that thank you thank you I don't feel it
mm-hmm I don't feel it last couple of
days I just wanted to climb under a car
and hide just hide really keep following
your heart and keep thinking about the
ones that you're so sorry keep following
your heart and keep thinking about the
ones that are well close to your heart
and no one deserves to have things
horrible about them especially smiley
now you have so much love welcome
Margaret
am i okay I will be I'm gonna hi family
eats and treats how are you I'm doing
pretty good my husband applauds you for
taking care of your family I'm so sorry
I can't your messages are cutting off
for an interface mom like yeah yeah it's
a daily thing and they always need me
especially when I'm on alive I'll tell
him to mommy's gonna go on a lie for a
little bit I have been with you guys all
day mmm-hmm GMOs and hormones making us
fat and sick I agree I agree
but you know I think it's been a good
thing that I'm going to be going to my
counseling on Monday I have a doctor's
appointment this coming week with my
doctor to you know check with my meds
and make sure my meds are you know where
they're supposed to be because you know
I mean I'll say this part I'll say this
the relationship that I had to end this
week was the relationship with my
biological mother and I never thought in
a million years that I'd have to do that
I never in a million years thought that
I would be told the things that I was
told this week
I like you but your husband Olli has
said really hateful things about women
can you not mention him please I'm not I
haven't talked about him I'm sorry
it's okay Shauna it's okay it's just you
know when you're raised with thank you
perfect when you were raised without
having your biological parents a part of
your life oh sorry sorry sorry I I'm
sorry I was like I didn't think I talked
about him um but when you were raised
without having parents and you know you
were raised by other people that were
not your parents you know you are raised
with a type of a relation like a how do
I want to say it
having parents you know when you're born
your your mindset is you're gonna have
parents there and when you go to school
and you hear about your friends talking
about their life and how good it is and
you know Sebastian just woke up I told
you guys he was gonna wake up
he literally comes out and takes a
little snap um I'm trying not to I I
really am trying not to I've cried
enough for the last couple of days I
don't need to UM but you know when you
are in school and you hear your friends
talk about how they have daddy dances
and you know your friends get to go to
those daddy day and daddy dances with
their daughters or you know the mothers
the mother's day things and you are
raised without having an experience with
either one of those and you finally get
to have that experience because finally
you become an adult and those those
opportunities come alive like ural able
to do that and og yeah or I guess you
could say what is it called non
intuitive eating but um where they eat
interment fasting um I'm sorry I'm so
glad Pam refused to give your mom I hate
platform absolutely Barbara and you know
I you know I didn't want to bring it up
because I know you know me and Pam like
I said I was able to talk with him and I
still am going to make a call with her
and talk with her some more
but you know finding out that the person
that you call mom or that you called
mother that you dreamed of having as
your mom all along did everything she
could to throw you under the bus and
make lies
hey unique life if welcome it's painful
it hurts and you know she she says well
you know you can't sit there and tell
people on your channel that she was
basically she was upset that I had made
a video it was the video right before I
went in to get my IUD that I had made a
video saying because I was upset that
she didn't send me a card for my
birthday which I understand you know
where she is kind of coming from but it
still was hurtful to me that I didn't
even receive a birthday card or an
acknowledgement for my birthday even
though we were on outs I still would
think that a mother would reach out to
their child I don't know maybe that's
just me and so I had made a video
talking about how she had said that she
should have had animals versus children
because she wasn't she didn't have that
mother instinct was I wrong for saying
that yes I shouldn't have shared that
with my channel that wasn't my place to
say that but that's just where I was at
emotionally at that moment and some
given time since we've been off of
talking you know like we're not on
talking terms
she must have sat down and binge watched
my entire entire channel because Oh
Sebastian stop what are you doing you
know let me let me let him out so he can
go get his food really quick hold on
just a second
Sebastian come here come on go
Master it's coming out so you can eat go
you hear daddy's voice Go Go you hear
daddy
Mastan go sorry me and my skunk are
gonna fight with each other I'll get
back to the messages in just a second so
she must have did a binge watch and she
must have watched all my vision because
before this she had not watched my
videos and she made that clear as she
did not watch her videos and so anyways
she had left a message on I believe it
was Pam's YouTube channel under a video
so I had somebody reach out to me and
say hey there's a lady you know by the
name of is you know trying to reach out
to Pam and I just want to let you know
I'm not trying to stir the pot but I
just want to let you know I said thank
you very much so I called I called my
mom and I said you know what is it that
you need to talk to Pam about and she's
like well I've already talked to her and
I said okay but what is there that you
need to talk to Pam about and she said
well I know that you and Pam have your
outs and I know that Pam would love to
put this information out there and so I
knew to go to her
so basically saying she was using Pam
for her dirty work I guess that's what
you want to say and you know she called
me a capital B I'm not seeing the site
chat so I will answer messages in just a
minute but if I don't uh if I don't
respawn back sorry
not that I will I'm just trying to say
this story because I forget where I was
at
so anyways she called me a capital B I
said you know that's real classy of you
to call your daughter something like
that you know and I said you know in the
38 years that I've been on this earth I
have never called you a B I said I could
have
I very well could have in many
situations but I wasn't that's not the
person I am I'm not disrespectful like
that and she went on to say a whole
bunch of stuff and the conversation
clearly wasn't going anywhere she hung
up on me there so I left it at that I
just you know there was a lot of things
I wanted to say but I there was no point
to say it there was no point to keep
going on about it so I just I wrote a
letter but I wasn't going to send it to
her and I talked to my counselor about
it and it just finally we were like okay
you know what um you know I'm not gonna
I'm not gonna reach out to her no more
well she decided this is why I was
really kind of glad that my comment
section was put to review before people
can comment because she had commented
again and it's not that I have her
anything she says secret like I don't
care that she wants to say whatever she
wants to say yeah that's on her but the
things she wanted to say was pure lies
like peer
so I didn't respawn back to her on
YouTube because I wasn't gonna you know
it's just not the place to do it I just
wasn't gonna do it and by this point I
had already talked to pam pam already
had said you know what Amy I'm not
getting involved in it you know I am so
sorry to see that you and your mom are
ad outs you know I'm a mother myself I
would never she goes there's many things
that I have been involved in but there
was nothing that I would ever place me
in a position like this and I would
never do this to you and we got to talk
and you know I found a new true respect
for Pam because I really met the real
Pam I had one view of Pam but I see
there is a real Pam and you know we
really got talking and you know our
stories are very similar in a lot of
ways so anyways I decided to reach out
to my mom via facebook Messenger and you
know I just basically told her that what
she did was just um Amy can you block
Barbara because I don't like the way she
is talking about your husband
Amy talks about him but no one has
talked about how he called women whore
go Amy go Pam okay Barbara can we like
okay I'm gonna ask that we you asked to
not talk about Olli
I can respect that for this chat to the
best of my ability but he is my husband
he is part of my life so I can't just
like 100 cent kick him out of the canoe
know up to the conversation honor
percent but I will do my ultimate best
but yeah if we can just stop I would
really like to I I'm going through a lot
right now and I just I don't need the
extra emotional stress like I really
really don't not right now please thank
you I really really appreciate it
anyways so I messaged her and just asked
her you know basically just so she could
stop
and hold on
perfect what do you not want me to do
sorry I am trying to
I'm kind of lost I see perfect you said
Amy oh okay I was like whatever what am
I doing wrong
yeah I mean I can't 100% cut him or his
name out of my life I mean he is my
husband so he of course has a very big
part of my storyline that I'm dealing
with right now
so anyways I wrote out to I reached out
to her and I basically just you know
said you know I don't know what your
intentions are that you are you know
continuing to write on my channel you
know the things that you are saying
they're not true you are trying to you
know pull up things that are absolutely
not even relevant to the story that
you're trying to share so I'm going to
state it because of course I know she's
already put it out there and I have
nothing to hide about it I really don't
you guys in 2005 I was caught
shoplifting at Walmart yeah I was caught
shoplifting at Walmart in 2005 and I got
a misdemeanor of a theft one or three is
the least theft that you can get and
basically they said that they did it
because they were trying to prove a
point to me and they proved their point
because I never did it again it scared
the living crap out of me because I had
never seen handcuffs close to me and I
seen him that night and they toted me
off to jail and took a picture of me and
sent me on my way
I was kicked out of Walmart for a year
and I had to write the CEO of Walmart
asking for forgiveness and if I can have
like what is it called where I can go
back into their store they were like a
re-entry type thing
CEO contacted me back because I that I
went through all of like pain all my
finds pain everything that you know and
they slap you with a big fine it was no
joke
um you know but it is what it is it
happened in 2005 I was stupid young it
was before I had my kids um you know is
there an excuse for it absolutely not
was i stupid absolutely I think we all
do stupid things in our life or we wish
we didn't do it but I will tell you
right now that's the one and only thing
that I have ever done in my life that
would ever be running in with the law
according to her my run-ins run-ins with
the law I've never had run-ins with the
lobby sites the one time and like I said
they basically did it to prove a point
there was a it wasn't like they were
going to but then they decided to so
with that being said she was trying to
claim that that's when my childcare got
taken down was because I was shoplifting
with daycare children which is
absolutely without a shadow of a doubt
the furthest from the truth it had
nothing to do with children nothing to
do with children my childcare did not
get closed until 2017 and that was
because I chose to close it down because
that's when I retired out my license
due to Ollie working and me being a
stay-at-home mom so for that I was I
mean that was the whole reason why my
childcare went down not because and that
was my choice to close it down in fact I
just have looked into it when all that
stuff had taken place with all his job
and us not having finances and stuff
I looked into reopening up the childcare
because I can my license is still good
it's just you know um but yeah it was a
stupid move on my part but that was back
in 2005 we're now in 2019 and you're
gonna bring that up so that was her only
thing that she had to shoot against me
was that your childcare was closed due
to your criminal record which is not
true and I can prove it to anybody
because I have all the documentation
still from these many years forward I
still have it because I just like to
carry those things to have four records
but anyways
so you know words were exchanged but I
will say that I seemed very calm I did
not get disrespectful with her as I
wanted to but I didn't but she yeah she
called me every name in the book said
that I should go shove my face with
donuts and drink two liters of sodas and
get my fat up and do things for myself
and that I smell like rotten meat yeah
and many more things to go with that
that I should have been born in a
third-world country that I don't deserve
to be here she tells people she doesn't
have children did you have one of the
kids with you maybe that's why the cops
did it your mom sounds horrible no I
didn't I didn't have anybody with me I
had a diaper bag with me yes that's what
caught everybody's eye balls to watch me
was because I had a diaper bag and I
didn't have children but no I didn't
have anybody with me it was literally to
prove a point to me to show me and it
did it taught me a lesson like I legit
even to this day I double triple check
my car to make sure and there has been
one time since all that happened that um
that I walked out and it was a case of
water underneath my cart and I'll never
forget it and I walked out and I got to
the car and I seen it and I was like oh
my god so I grabbed my umm I grabbed my
receipt and I looked and I seen that
they didn't do it and they didn't scan
it so I ran back into the storm was like
I just left the store I realized this
was under my cart I didn't you guys
didn't scan it I stood right there they
scanned it and I paid for it I mean whoa
let me tell ya I've learned my lesson
I
do that let's see write this all down
set it on fire helps trust me I am sorry
that is horrible sad about your mom gosh
make a video about it letting it go and
I really wanted to Shawna and I I mean
I'm saying it now but at first I was
just like no I'm not gonna make a video
because people are gonna say you know
what about you what about you you're
such a bad person yourself and that's
true I'm not gonna ever say that I'm
perfect oh heck no I won't I will not
say that I am perfect I am far from
perfect but I will tell you right now I
would never speak to my children the way
that I was spoken to over the last
couple of days and on that note hold on
just a second
that's fine probably because you made a
water mess oh yeah your shirt is wet
okay so stand right here
well yeah stand right there and then you
can get your shirt really quick okay
[Music]
where did I wash it baby hold on you
guys I'm trying to pull something up
really quick
[Music]
since I've already gone into it I might
as well just tell you guys no way you
guys can read my response to or you can
hear it not read it because no way I can
have you do it but well dong because my
computer works you know slower than
nothing thank you
she's cute but she can be a drama queen
[Music]
I think it's in the drawer honey it's
not um anyways so I'm pulling it up
while it hurts doing his thing yeah
she's horrible I tell you she I don't
ever remember being this drama fide as
she is like let me tell you this little
girl uh uh you have to come over here
and do it honey I was watching to see if
you were gonna do that um is she the
baby she is she is my two littlest are
11 months apart and then my oldest is
seven years apart from my second one
it's getting the messages now okay well
why don't you take your shirt off first
Oh furniture I am NOT looking forward to
that girl I said that I was getting
ready to be done with all of this nope
goodnight Barbara thank you so much and
my BIOS name is Barbara
no shade to you don't worry about it but
yeah good night thank you for joining I
appreciate it
so these were kind of the messages back
and forth this is kind of what I've been
dealing with so this is kind of I'm just
I have feeding you guys
filling you in I guess is what it's
called filling you in with kind of what
I've been going through I said so I
don't know so this message that I'm
sending you is from the message that the
message I'm reading to you guys is the
message that I'm responding back to her
from her last message on my youtube
channel okay honey they take them off so
I so I don't know if you will see this
or not in either way it really doesn't
matter I seen your last comment on my
youtube channel and I am done first of
all my daycare was not closed down yes
Elain yeah I'll be reading that here in
a minute
Jer you outside my wall my door can you
please pick up Sebastian so she can go
potty did you pick him up get go leave
your dry clothes on the tape on the desk
right here okay now I'm gonna mind you
and mind you to remind you whatever I
want to say here this has been a couple
of messages back but the other ones were
from Facebook are from YouTube so I'm
already kind of and this is after the
phone calls and stuff so I'm already
kind of getting a little bit heated at
this point but I still was keeping my
call and still keeping keeping my
respect there I said so I don't know if
you will see this or not either way it
doesn't matter to me I seen your last
comment on my YouTube channel and I am
done first of all my daycare was not
closed down due to having shoplifted my
date my childcare was shut down because
I chose to close it down my shoplifting
had nothing to do with daycare kids in
fact that happened in 2005 my childcare
closed in 2017 next you want to say my
run-in with the law
ha ha ha you're joking right you are not
serious you can't be you can't be first
of all what run in
what the law do I have other than my
misdemeanor for theft three in 2005 but
I couldn't remember if it was thrust one
or theft three but like I said it was
the least one that you could ever be
charged with that's why I said they did
it to prove a point but if you want to
talk about run-ins with the law do we
really need to go there with you next
you say my pitiful husband had to get up
and get a job my husband is more of a
man than your worthless husband in your
own words about him could ever be at
least my husband takes care of me and my
children he's not sneaky and having me
believe he is messing around with
homeless women like you say about your
husband now I'm changing a few of these
words because I don't want to offend
anybody that's on here so I'm not
putting like any type of custom words
out there at least and at and last but
not least you say that I told my husband
that I paid your husband back no
actually my husband was here okay so
right here what I'm talking about is
back in 2009 when I went to Egypt
somebody got into my bag the night
before I was supposed to fly out to
Egypt and stole a thousand dollars out
of my backpack that was the money I was
supposed to fly back on well I was stuck
in a major situation because I had no
money at all and I mean when you're
traveling you need to have money
somewhere even though come to find out I
didn't even change my money to begin
with so I could have literally been I
could have totally flew with no money
but I didn't know that plus the person
that drove me to the airport I had to
pay them a hundred dollars so I have
contacted her husband and said can I
borrow a thousand dollars well at this
point she had just went back into jail
for doing something against the law and
so he was happening to retain a lawyer
to fight it so he told me I only have
500 of the money I don't have a thousand
like you want
well she's accusing me in saying that I
owe her $2,000 that I owe them two
thousand dollars when in reality I
already paid back the 500 that I
borrowed and I paid that back two times
over to her husband because he kept
saying you owe me you owe me you owe me
I have all the records to prove it
uh-huh that's right get down get down
get down
thank you are you guys there can you
guys see me someone say hello cuz I
don't see anybody or are you guys just
like totally listening here and just oh
okay I just want to make sure you guys
are still here okay
I said no actually my husband was here
when we paid him back and it was no mm
he gave me he gave me five hundred cuz I
asked for a thousand but because you're
such a good godly woman your butt was
already in jail and he had to save for
your lawyers so he only had five hundred
to give me plus I even paid him back the
hundred and fifty that I asked him to
borrow for your dumb butt when you were
buying pills behind all our backs and
you had me borrow the money so that you
could go buy your drugs but you said
that it was going to be a Father's Day
gift from you to him which I guess maybe
he's your father I don't know my
children will never know you as a
grandmother and like I said I am
parentless and I'm totally okay with
that your wish is my command you said
never contact you again well be like you
called me stop contacting me you're the
one that keeps coming to me and
messaging me not me messaging you okay
so then her next message was f you
you're a selfish self-centered loser go
have a box of doughnuts and guzzle your
three liters of soda you're delusional
you lied so much you don't even know the
truth no pity from me get out of your
broken-down chair and wait on your own
fat butt that's why I don't even know
she typed something I can't even get it
I I not even know who you are on your
channel your so phone street least you
comb your hair on those days that's a
plus
well she test getting you out of my life
I will never forget or forgive you
saying you are going to call my Pio what
was your intention hoping I would get in
trouble you fat piece of okay OOP
how funny I'm not on parole I hate rats
goodbye tramp
so on the first phone call when I had
called her to ask why she needed to talk
to Pam um I told her you wouldn't
wouldn't I was like why are you trying
to get a hold of Pam and then she said
well because I have things to tell her
or whatever it was I said well if you
would like I could just call your
probation officer oh my goodness and
that just like totally flew her off the
handle totally so that's what that was
about is she just said about why were
you gonna call my probation officer what
was your intent hoping to get me in
trouble
all that so my answer back to her what
okay I have it's cooking I mean it has
about another ten minutes fifteen I said
wow just wow okay Esther can you please
go play okay he's not coming
go get your baby and bring it in here oh
oh go come on hurry up sure yep I said
wow just wow you call yourself a mother
I could never imagine talking to my
daughter the way wait okay then comes
two gentlemen my bed um wow just wow and
you call yourself a mother I could never
imagine talking to my daughter the way
you talked to me but again you're
obviously not a mother nor have you ever
been one to begin with
my daughter is my
best friend she is the beat to my heart
it don't matter what she did in life
I would never treat nor speak to her the
way you talked to me I see you have so
much hate in your heart it is even an
even more hate towards me for whatever
reason it you take for granted having
children there are so many people in
this world that would do anything to
have it to have children or have lost
children to death and here you are
acting like this I hope what a me you
should not take her bait she is just
trying to hurt you because she sounds
miserable no that is true hey just Megan
welcome honey
a mother's speaking to her daughter like
this as unfathomable to me absolutely
chef she is not rape free oh no oh no
we're not bringing circus in here ah Oh
mark go to Maya's room please Maya no or
Omar please hold on a minute
hold on just a second oh my gosh and
here comes the skunk hold on
okay got them situated um I don't even
know where I ended here and maybe I'm
even wrong for reading this but it's
like I've just been holding it in so
much for the last couple of days that
it's just been more than I can almost
bear emotionally because I just have to
keep telling myself that I have to keep
going on and I can't let this be
something that's gonna put a driving
mill in not only the progress that I
have made with my therapy but also this
has tested everything that I have been
going through with my therapist you know
and I think that I had kept very calm
for the most part I think I I kept very
composed because there were many times
that I wanted to just flip out and I
wanted to just you know but at the same
time it's like it's just hard it is
really hard um I'm not exactly sure
where I ended here so I'm gonna kind of
go back a little bit I don't know where
I stopped at okay shut the door please
there's so many people in this world
that would do anything to have children
or have lost children to death and here
you are acting like this I hope that
chick now the part okay this is where
I'm at the part that I'm talking about
this chick is there is a girl that moved
into my mom's house a few months ago and
my mom kept rubbing it in my face that
this girl is moving in that she's really
skinny she's got a really cute pregnant
belly that you can tell she's pregnant
and I felt she was just taking jabs at
me because I was obviously big when I
was pregnant and so you couldn't really
see my pregnant belly so I felt like my
mom was taking jabs at me in a little
bit in a sense and so this girl moved in
with my mom she has a little girl plus
she's pregnant with another baby a boy I
think and my mom went on to say how this
girl calls her mom and now she's
spending time with the kids and they're
calling her grandma and this lady lets
my mom take the kids and
where my mom wants to go because I don't
let her take my kids well I don't have a
relationship with her that is based on
trust we do not have a trustful
relationship I've never been raised to
know her with trust in it so in return I
wasn't good at I mean these kids are my
life
these kids are my everything this is why
I wake up in the morning so why am I
gonna put them in somebody's hands even
though yes she's my mom and yes she's
their grandmother she's still a stranger
to me in so many ways and you know the
thing is is like I shared with her at
one time before you have to think about
yes maybe you're not the one that raped
me maybe you're not the one that
molested me but think about where I was
at whose custody was I in when these
things happened I was in your custody so
you obviously are telling showing me
that I can't trust you as a person
because I did not have that protection
when I needed it the most so I hope that
chick that lives with you and her two
children fill the spot you have for a
daughter cuz clearly I am NOT there
anymore I am making it clear to you you
are dead to me like my dad is don't ever
try and contact me or my children you
will never be a part of their lives or
mine due to your choices and wishes I
hope you hit your okay I hope you hit
your knees and ask God to help you you
have a lot of anger in your heart and
it's actually pretty scary to say the
least I honestly don't know what my
husband has done to you but accept you
just the way you are he has never done
been disrespectful to you but do we need
to talk about what disrespect you have
done to him he could have said so many
things to you after what you text him
but he didn't because he was raised
right he held his tongue but you have
crossed the lines of disrespect towards
him
sorry guys and just so you guys know
some of these could be her just just
don't let you know okay hold on um some
of these could be her so anyways I
finally know how you okay Ezra I said
hold on a minute
it's still cooking it has to finish okay
and again I don't know what he has ever
done to you for you to speak about him
though that way anyways I finally know
how you felt about me all along and it's
sad you were just putting an act on
about loving me and when it comes to my
son he personally did not want to go up
to your house so if anything I was
respecting his wishes because he was it
was him choosing not to want to go up to
your home so don't sit there and say
because I needed to use my son I don't
use my children like some people use
their children and you can talk about me
you can put me down you can say whatever
but you need to leave my children out of
this my children have done nothing and
don't deserve to be talked about I don't
allow anybody to disrespect my children
my children are my life I protect them
from any type of hater harm towards them
and maybe I'm a tramp in your eyes but
being a tramp I think is the wrong word
Ian I have only been with two men in my
life I couldn't count on two hands how
many men you've been with but again I
would never call somebody a tramp
because that's just plain disrespect
there you go Chevy thank you
[Music]
oops
[Music]
yeah you guys can start blocking those
people I don't like I said
some of these people could possibly be
her Mandy hey first and last welcome
okay so the next the next message was
from her it says you call yourself a
daughter ransom speak to me with respect
maybe you should look back at some of
your lame but pitiful videos and see
your so-called respect I don't have
eight I am just fed up with yours and
your brother's manipulation nipple 18
crap it starts to get a person it starts
to get to a person look how many
relationships you've pushed us away
because you're not willing to figure out
how to work things out it's all about
you you don't hurt my feelings taking my
grand kids away I spend more time with
kids who call me Mom and grandma and
come to our home to have fun and just be
with us would have never dreamed of
making a phone call to cause me trouble
and none of your none of our adopted
family is homeless and everyone worked
that do call that girl hold on a minute
come out with you okay sorry Hanna she
is but she's not she doesn't know what's
going on she's only three so I mean
she's not she doesn't know anything
going on
so however miserable or sad you tried to
diligently it will have it will sat in
you to know I am okay with whatever bull
crap you throw my way and oh yeah I am
supposed to feel privileged cuz all he
accepted me kiss my ass here in America
that's given family and unconditional
you don't have to pass a background
check I am not ashamed of my prison
record it is part of my testimony and
who I am what do you have to bar do you
what have you bar do proud of denying
our God your Creator to wear a rag on
your head and to get along with a big
dummy sell the well leading your
children to hell and Wayne 300 pounds
overweight speaks for itself I am so
proud okay some of her messaging is like
I I couldn't even understanding so I'm
like what is she writing um hey Anne
welcome sweetie thank you for coming in
okay so then my message back to her was
if you guys are bored I can totally stop
but I'm just you know this is kind of
where I've been at in the last few days
and I'm laughing about it but in reality
I really am still home I'm pretty torn
up about it I said okay whatever makes
you sleep at night Barbara you keep
bringing out my weight like it's
something new if that's the only thing
you have to say about me I guess that
should speak volumes cuz you can't bring
it up on one bad thing about me other
than my weight it's not a rag on my head
it's called a hijab and I am very proud
to wear it on my head my husband is the
one at the very beginning pushed me to
even have a relationship with you when
he came here cuz when he came here I
hadn't spoken to you in over two years
if you remember when you were in prison
and he pushed me to answer your call and
what a mistake that was for him and I to
listen to him but that was before he
knew the person you really are
Barbara you always talk like people owe
you something but in reality I think you
should stop and look at what you owe me
from my childhood to adulthood yeah
you're right
I am bringing up the past because you
say it's your testimony while I'm glad
as you were making your testimony in
prison I was in real effing life without
my parents being raised by other people
and being molested and raped but your
testimony sure comes first
and it's not about hurting your feelings
by taking my children away from a toxic
person I am so happy that they have so
many people in oh I am so happy that you
have so many people in your life to
accept you as a mother and grandmother
but if they had you as a real blankie
mother like my brother and I they would
hate you too my brother and I and yes
I'm talking for my brother right now did
nothing to have a mother like you you're
a fiend egg donor and that's as good as
you can be titled my brother and I have
every blanking right to fill the way
toward you because you made us feel this
way you live in some fantasy life and I
think you forgot the blank crap we both
went through because of your choices and
actions while you just went to prison
and life came to a stop pretty much our
life of Hell was still being lived out
if you want to know my true feelings of
you since you think you can blunt be
blunt and honest with me now this part
gets really bad and this part is where I
think I think that my
I think that it was where I really
started to hit bottom of how much I can
take for somebody to keep talking the
way they were to me so this part gets a
little bit nasty and I'm going to kind
of I hope I'm a my missing people so I'm
just going to read this part but I will
try and change the words the best I can
because I don't want to offend anybody
you're the worst effing piece of crap on
earth you should have been in my dad's
place the day he died he only killed
himself because of you you effing Tramp
I hate you and I wish you nothing but
the worst life to be played out while
you're still alive you think you're some
god-given gift on this world
well you're the FE nastiest breathing go
to blank with your fake butt itself and
never speak to me again I hate you and I
can't stand you now if you can play the
truth I will play truth right back
she said how can I forget my wrong
choices when you hold that in your fat
ass am a bucket of to bring it up
as leverage well I've had enough I tell
most people I don't have children
you're stupid as your stupid ass should
have been born in a third-world country
nothing is never good enough screw you
and how dare you call your sperm donor
daddy and speak for him you have no one
but you are retarded I said I'm only
retarded because I unfortunately have
your damn DNA and now my dad is a sperm
donor wasn't it just a few days ago you
told me I'm not allowed to talk about
him because I don't know him and you
were being so protective of him of them
would that you were being so protective
of him
what happened hahaha she said see you in
hell you say I'm nasty I have never met
anyone who put their hands down their
pants and Acts asked me to something I
almost puked and laughed so hard
something you smell like rotten meat you
sound jealous
about me and the Lord I serve not you
you don't need a mom or a dad you need a
zoo and then my response to her was what
the f are you talking about cuz I was
like wondering why she didn't make any
sense with the whole rotten meat thing
but I took it as she I smell like rotten
meat or I guess I don't know um I said
the only thing I can think of is your
effed up as a parent and I guess you
didn't teach me great hygiene so blame
it on you not on me
I get it you're done with it because you
know that I am right and you're wrong
and everything you say I'm going to have
something to come back with therefore
you run out of things to say and that's
okay I can accept that please go on with
life enjoy yourself and your new family
I hope you all nothing but the best stay
out of trouble now
I wouldn't want to see your new
bracelets slapped on your wrists and
your face up on Channel 12 News like I
have in the past Tata for now so that
was our conversation and the reason I'm
reading not to you guys isn't because I
think that you guys want to really hear
it sorry I'm trying to shut that down
I'm not reading it because I think that
it's something you guys want to hear
because I'm sure it's not but
hey sissy welcome but the reason that
I'm sharing it is because I want you
guys to know where I am coming from
right now you know I can put on a pretty
picture that I'm okay that oh did you
I'm sorry I'm on life so my phone
probably went straight to voicemail
and it's hard because again you know you
place your mind in a in a fantasy that
you know you're gonna have your mom
you're gonna have your dad you're gonna
have this happy life now does that
always stand no it doesn't and I get
that but did I ever imagine that my mom
would ever speak to me that way
absolutely not
and I don't think that I was ever purely
disrespectful until I finally just had
enough I I just had enough and I flipped
and that's when I you know said that she
was a tramp herself because if you're
gonna call me a tramp I just boom I
couldn't do it anymore let me get back
to some of these messages where like
because I know that there was messages
coming through and I didn't get to read
them okay I don't know how far back chef
she isn't reading it for you to judge
can nobody listen about judging anymore
I can't hold back if someone talks to me
like that me either
yeah perfect but that's what she wants
she clearly wants to just go in on her
and isn't trying to listen or accomplish
anything
sounds like you need to cut her out
of your life completely no one's judging
other people's opinions can sometimes
help at choice Amy may make later my
heart breaks for you your mom sounds
like she's drunk
she keeps talking about Jesus and then
talks like that absolutely this is just
this is just so crazy what a mother
would be like that toward her own child
is a damn shame shame on her the Lord
she serves is shedding tears over her
behavior absolutely chef well sometimes
being quiet eats at your core so you end
up giving it to the wrong person she
gave it to the right person the one who
deserves it Barbara is so Christian is
your mom a drinker yes I I did it's
therapeutic for me your mother obviously
has mental issues has mental health
issues you will never be able to talk to
her rationally absolutely you did the
right thing Amy I can't stand her and
her lies mother she's lucky to have you
well I wish my daughter you deserve
better little sis I love you you're
awesome she needs hope wait this is live
so thank you very much for all of your
guys's responses and you know I'm not
looking for people to you know hey Josie
welcome and welcome Jordan yes this is
life I'm not looking for someone to pat
me on the shoulder you know that's just
a glimpse at the things that I have gone
through honestly hey Linda welcome
welcome welcome this is just a glimpse
of glimpse of things that I have gone
through growing up you know this is
nothing new to me hold on she locked
herself out
you're so how sweetie you know this is
just a glimpse of it I've gone through a
lot I've I haven't allowed most to carry
me like you know like affect me or
things like that but it gets to a point
where you can only handle so much and I
am at that point after receiving these
messages as hard as it was as hard and
you probably are thinking how could it
be that hard Amy to shut something off
like that but it is because no matter
what it's giving up that whole thought
that I was going to have a mother and
knowing that that's just never going to
happen I have to sissy I gotta go hubby
wants to eat okay babe thank you so much
and yes I will give you a call here in
just a little bit so I'm gonna have to
jump off I've gotta finish dinner but
it's been a it's been a hard couple of
days emotionally it's really been a hard
couple of days but I just have to keep
reminding myself hey sis I'm gonna put
you as a moderator for next time that
you come cuz I completely forgot to do
that that way it gives me a couple mods
for if one's busy or something but
anyways it's just the last couple of
days has been pretty hard for me it has
been but I have to continue to remind
myself that it's okay it's just a season
in life and I'm gonna get through it it
might seem like it's the end of my world
right now but I know I know I know I can
make it through
Amy God will always be with you he will
walk alongside you and lift you up thank
you so much McKenna I really appreciate
that that is so sweet that you wrote
that thank you first and last and I it
will it will it will it's gonna take
time you know I think it's gonna be in a
meant to know that it's done and that I
cannot continue to put myself in that
position or my children you know or my
children and that is the biggest thing
is I have to keep focused on my kids I
have to keep focused on myself because I
have to and I think that that's what's
driven me to even want to lose the
weight more is because of the comments
she made to me like go shove your
doughnuts you know your fat ass and all
those things I think it's just driving
me to want to work that much harder to
prove a point that I can do this and I
will do this for myself but I'm going to
do this because I just can't let it go
without showing her that I am I'm not
the person you say I am
ramie it's not me and it's the start of
something new this is how you make life
for something better
absolutely perfect I totally agree with
you Margaret just remember you have a
lot that care Thank You Margaret and
thank you so much thank you thank you
but oh yeah do it because you are worth
it
thank you I totally appreciate that you
can do it I was 300 pounds oh my gosh
perfect really Wow
I don't know why I didn't know that hey
Sharon
but yeah so today was just kind of a
bluff day it's just you know but you
know honestly since I've been on here
and I've been talking to you guys and
you guys have just been here listening
it's almost like I feel so much better
like I feel better and I it's it feels
good to to let it out and not to bottle
it up you know and I think that that has
made it even better and you know maybe
these are things that I shouldn't share
on YouTube because you know once it's
out on the internet it's always out on
the internet but the thing is is that
you know what you couldn't look her name
up and find her mug shots you know so
it's not like I'm letting anything out
that isn't already out there just think
of it as weight loss you lost a grown
woman who was a cancer in your life
great with
Wow chef that that's great way to put it
if you ever want to talk I am here for
you that is for sure
Oh perfect thank you think of it as a
divorce there is a reason she will no
longer be a part of your life Hannah
absolutely absolutely
that is really good and I just want to
thank everybody for stopping in and
listening and being there for me and
letting me talk to you guys and you know
I just hope that I can continue to grow
my channel and prove to people that I am
NOT the person that people perceive me
to be because I'm really not you know
but I guess you can't control what
others think you know just like I can't
control what she thinks if she thinks
I'm about out of badass
she thinks I'm FedEx that might guess
that's what I am Amy I'm not coming
against you but I have a hard time
believing that you were that you would
tell that part of your life Amy I'm not
coming against you but I have a hard
time believing that you would tell Nancy
I'm not sure what that's supposed to
mean maybe explain I don't know maybe
I'm admit I misunderstood someone
earlier so maybe explain it but yeah and
tonight I'm making spaghetti for my
family and I'm gonna make me a nice a
nice turkey salad with some egg what I'm
in the mood for I'm not in the mood for
a spaghetti but I'll make it for my
family
because they're worth it oh my gosh you
guys it's been a long week but I'm glad
that Wow yeah I guess it's my week
I can't imagine you putting it out for
others to know yeah but Nancy the thing
is is that it you know pretty much with
my life the way that you know like my
bio is her life is pretty much out there
I mean you want to look up channel 12
news and look up certain things her
stuff is right there I mean I can't
control that she's been on the news
multiple times due to her run-ins with
the law she says that I have you know am
i I'm not you know I I am not against
her for her truth that she lived the
life that she lived what I am against
though was the way that she is good with
it now that's what I am sad about
secrets make us sick absolutely
sometimes sharing difficult things can
help absolutely Nancy she is living her
truth amongst friends who support her
Thank You chef I appreciate that Nancy
believe it because talking about it
helps her Thank You sissy girl but that
doesn't mean you need to link in prayers
that you get peace comfort wisdom and
strength from the Charles who you're
experiencing thank you so much Linda and
you know what I think if anything this
has really made me grow even more as a
mom because I truly know that I could
never go to sleep at night talking to my
daughter that way I could never I don't
care what she ever did to me I could
never ever ever go to bed knowing I said
those things to her it just would never
it would never cross my mind to speak
like that to her you know but again
there is always that difference you know
we're not all the same and I get that
some mothers are way different you know
you I I completely get that part of it
but it's like it's hard not to put
yourself up against somebody and be like
well I would never do that you know but
this person did but I mean I guess
that's where we are all different I had
little fingers
[Music]
I don't think it's gonna come off but
anyways you guys I am going to skedaddle
I need to go and make well yeah but
Nancy that's the difference is I am not
ashamed of it it's not my it's not my
actions that I need to carry shame for
but it is actions that I paid the price
for if that makes sense so you know yeah
I could say I could say that too but I
paid the price for some of the actions
that were made so it's not that I'm
broadcasting it and like I don't have
the right to I think that I have all
rights to talk about it because I
experienced it it personally affected me
had it not affected me and I wouldn't
say anything we would never allow
friends to talk to us like that and
family is no different Thank You Hannah
thank you for nature but yeah I'm gonna
run I need to go and start their
spaghetti Amy I think you're a beautiful
person and great wife and mother I
dynomite woman thank you thank you and
thank you first and last I appreciate it
yeah I appreciate it all I really really
do and I just want to thank everybody
for being there to support me and also
you know sharing with me things that you
know maybe you know as friends and
that's why I look at you guys as friends
is sometimes you may say something that
I don't really want to hear but it's the
truth and that's that's the good thing
about having relationships like I do
with you guys is that I can totally
accept what others say you know because
I know there's so many people out there
with so many different view sites that
it makes some have had personal
experiences that understand maybe a
little bit more closely to
I am but you know say hello to Ollie I
really like his personality oh thank you
I am NOT either but when someone hears
my name I don't want oh yeah she's oh I
got it Nancy and I mean honestly it's
okay I'm used to it though that's the
thing is I'm used to it I've grown up
with it all my life I mean I am 38 years
old and so for 38 years I have lived
with you know titles so huh okay well
I'm gonna be getting off so I'll go get
it for you
but I again I just want to thank
everybody for stopping in we were on
here for a very long time I appreciate
it
I am going to continue to pump videos
out for you guys I can't guarantee the
next couple of days what's gonna be out
just because like I said I am drained
and I got so many videos out the last
two days trying to get everything out so
I'm just trying to take it easy a little
bit but any please rethink reading from
the book you still hung on Oh Hannah
thank you yes uh yes yes yes you know
what and I thought about that after when
I read your comment I was like I think
it was you that wrote it actually that
well you said not to do it but then you
wouldn't read it I didn't even think
about that until after you made that
comment like yeah Amy you just wouldn't
read the book so yes I agree with you
what I might have to do if I don't get
the email back I haven't heard from them
yet but again it's the weekend so maybe
that's why I'm not hearing from them I'm
hoping maybe tomorrow I mean Monday I'll
hear from him but if I don't hear from
them what I might have to do is just
take bits and pieces and kind of put it
into my own experiences if that makes
sense so that I'm not taking a
word-for-word ryx straight from the book
because yeah I definitely don't want to
get in trouble and I don't want to
offend anybody author or anybody I just
I'm I don't want to do that so anyways
you guys take care thank you so much for
taking your sweet time to come in and
talk with me I appreciate it I love each
and every one of you guys have a
wonderful wonderful evening with all of
your loved ones and I will talk to you
guys again soon bye